Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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