Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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