I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
