omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize