i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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