i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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