at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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