I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
