everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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