Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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