we have pet lesbian snakes
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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