The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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