I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
