i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize