the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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