You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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