Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
