____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
