The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
