I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
