i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
