There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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