Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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