Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
