im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
