mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
