He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sorry my hands just texted you
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
