Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
In America we eat man semen.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So squirting runs in the family.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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