I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
