A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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