I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
