FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
