I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
