He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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