why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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