Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
