If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
being pregnant is like rehab
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
