you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mom said you looked used
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
