I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
