i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
