I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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