Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
