Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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