Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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