Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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