1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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