alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize