i will never coherently bang her
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
