The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
