I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
