I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
