I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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