the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
