Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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