I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
