I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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