Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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