I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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