So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
